For years I've wondered if my heart could be any more full of love. Yes, I know this sounds like a load of crap, but I've honestly thought about this. And I'm thinking about it more and more each day. In October we had a scare with the pregnancy, and I was a complete mess. I was so worried about our unborn baby that I could barely breathe. I was terrified. Everything turned out fine, and it was just a scare, but boy did I learn a lot that day. Sean is definitely my rock, and he was able to help me through it. We were able to help each other through a very scary few hours, and it helped cement our bond even more.
As my adrenaline rush faded that day, I stopped and thought... how will I react when something actually happens to our baby? Something that isn't just a concern, something that really happens? What about our baby's first fever? What about the first time he/she skins their knee? What about their first heart break? I can't imagine how that will feel as a mother, and that day I was so scared for those times to come. I know we will get through it, and our baby will make it through, but it was still a very scary thought. It still sticks with me, and of course it will for years to come. I guess that's just one small piece of being a parent, right?
Today I was able to work from home due to the snow (love the company I work for!), and Sean was home sick. My poor husband came down with the stomach bug late last night, and was as sick as a dog all day. He was miserable, and there wasn't much I could do to help. His symptoms didn't let him get more than 10 feet from the bathroom, so he was camped out on the couch for the day. I was working in our office, which is off of the living room. So, needless to say... I was watching him all day. Every five minutes I would look over, or every time he made a noise, it was constant. I was so worried about him, and feeling such horrible guilt that I couldn't do anything to make it go away.
Now why am I talking about my husband getting the stomach bug? I love my husband. He knows that. But we both know that we will love this baby more than we love each other. Feeling that internal torment today, watching him suffer, it made me wonder again about our baby. Am I going to be able to sleep when my baby isn't feeling well, or will I be a complete nut and stare into the crib at him/her? Of course I will take care of my baby and make them feel better, but you know what I mean. Am I going to be a complete nervous wreck over simple things?
I will learn. I will be able to handle it. I won't completely smother my baby. I will be a rational adult. I will give the right amount of love, without it being too much. Most of all, I will let my child grow into an independent adult that won't need me to be the parent that my fears allude to. And you know what? My heart is already growing. From the day we found out that we were pregnant, my heart has grown more and more each day. I am more full of love today than I was a year ago, and months from now that level will be surpassed again.